The forbidden fruit of time

Unreachable

I miss my family. 

After a long week of surviving the stressors of my full-time job, today is my friday. During my ride home from Melrose, I receive a text from my mother. I have not spoken to her since landing back in Los Angeles mid-February. With many emojis as usual, she writes “It’s almost Lilia’s birthday! This year, I will have you select your birthday present.” two photo attachments appear on the text thread, and my heart melts instantly. Of course, I was excited to see my selection of beautiful vintage Louis Vuitton bags to select from, but mainly because she remembered my birthday. Then it hit me. I am going to be 26 this year. The birthday blues begin to seep through.

Every year, the blues get worse. Time is not my friend. I have always hated getting older. When I turned 10 years old, I decided that I am going to stay 9 forever. I thought I could pause time by announcing to the world that I will no longer continue to grow old. Oh, how I wish I had that power. Ever since I was young, my brain would over think. That has stuck with me since, probably, the third grade. Getting older meant my parents would get old. I hated that thought and till this day I do. The birthday blues are filled with fear, doubt, regret, and the fact that i am running out of time. There is no sugar coating that. It is a fact. I need more time. I need more time. I need more time. Knowing there is a tomorrow is not enough to make up for the time I lost. Everyday is a battlefield with these thoughts in my mind. Making up for lost time is a forbidden fruit you will never be able to come across in your lifetime. Knowing that, makes me doubt the time still not used. Losing is not my forte. And it seems that in this lifetime, you continue to lose every single day, while gaining temporary satisfaction of taking a step into the lost time of seconds, minutes, hours, and days. Let me live one full day, without losing the impossible. That’s all I ask for my birthday each year. Though it will never come true, I keep these thoughts for when I look at the moon – thinking of my family.

Happy birthday to me.